He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
