Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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