My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
