1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
my being single is dangerous.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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