I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
