thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
