Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
