I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
