Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
