So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
