Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
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