i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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