How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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