My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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