wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I will be naked everywhere
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize