I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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