I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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