you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
