I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!