You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm getting married
To pizza
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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