I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
