There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
