I wanna passion pit in your ass
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
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