The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
