forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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