btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
