we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize