I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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