The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
