Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
