just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I think a kid would responsible me up
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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