Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
