Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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