this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
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I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
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We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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