just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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