After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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