So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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