I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
