Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
