Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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