Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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