summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
