Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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