This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
