im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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