Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
