my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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