i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
