If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
