We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
