i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
