I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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