My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
