I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
