I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
