This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
