I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
