I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
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I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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