Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
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we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
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Can vaginas get frostbite?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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