There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
