ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
